5.14.2009

Negativity

I've noticed that I've been really focused on negativity lately. Lately meaning since the beginning of April, but it's been growing. I can point to a lot of sources of negativity, but I'd rather find a way out from under it. I'm hoping that taking out the stress of the petition will help and Truck is running better, but I want to solve the problem.

I've been asking God to show me what He wants for me. I've been trying to align my life with His will, but I don't feel like I have any strong clues. Just before I left for college, my mom asked me what I wanted my major to be. I told her that I didn't really know. She asked me if I felt any calling from God. I told her that I had not, but I'd prayed about it. She then asked what I liked. I replied that I liked math, science, technology, creating... But math was the one commonality I saw in everything I enjoyed. She said, "that is because it is your calling. God has been preparing for your life for His whole life." I really felt the truth of that. However, I'm wary of trying out a self-fulfilling prophecy of "if it is, then it's meant to be."

See, I thought that God wanted me to be with Rachel forever. I thought that I was with her because it was what He wanted. I also thought I was supposed to marry Rebecca. I thought it was what He wanted. What I'm beginning to see is that God wanted me to be where I was, but He obviously didn't want me to stay there. That being said, I have a hard time understanding what it is that He is trying to show me. I don't get it. I think it's important and that it's somehow related to my calling... but I'm not there yet.

Unfortunately, Dad prays that God will keep me in whatever situation in life I'm in at least long enough to learn what He has for me to learn. So, I'm likely to flounder for a while...


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on a different note:


Try this out. The beginning is nice, but if you get bored with it, jump to 42:45 (that's about when track 11 starts) and listen there again. It's nice. I like it.

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