Retrospect

I've been gone from South Africa for as long as I was there. It's time to talk about it again.

Going to South Africa was the easiest decision I have ever made. It was also one of the most painful. Words like hurt, damage, or trauma seem to put a dark cloud over the experience that it does not deserve. I previously likened it to surgery, but I've discovered what was broken, what was removed, and how that makes me a better person.

My first visit to SA was marked by philosophical and spiritual enlightenment. I dare say that it was an awakening. But this most recent visit was very much a personal struggle. The hurt of leaving, of staying gone, and of coming back... The attacks on all sides... The vulnerability of myself that I could not hide... The vulnerability of my Mother that I could not hide from... The helplessness of being so far away... It all worked together to completely shatter me.

I find that now I trust and depend upon others far less than I ever did. It used to be the case that I would struggle with ways to make up for the ways that others fell short of my expectations. I rationalized that my expectations were too high, so I must help them. I realize now that my expectations should never have been so high, or so hidden. How could anyone be the person I thought they were if they didn't know what kind of person I thought they were? Now, I set my expectations low, but my hopes high. Should someone fail to meet these lowered expectations, I tend to become very upset, but like a fire with too little fuel, it burns out quickly and I am reminded that I fail, too. They are human, as am I. My failures are not better than others simply because they're mine. I am not intrinsically better or more desirable. How could I be?

Now I find myself in a new situation. Before I experienced a crisis of ability. I had failed my first relationship. Then I moved to a crisis of faith. I did not know how to do as Churchill advised: If you're going through Hell... then keep going. Now I am experiencing a crisis of trust. Who can I trust?

In No Country For Old Men, Shigure asks: If the rules you followed brought you to this, then of what use were the rules?

I once told a friend of mine: Through the highs and lows, the ups and downs, think about what never changes. That is truth. Hold on to it as hard as you can because it's real.

Increasingly I am seeing my rules bent, broken, or obsolete. What is clear to me is that I am not the one in control. God as been trying to show me that for a very long time. I have given up trying to control. I have given up the black and white razor sharp deterministic worldview that used to paralyze me when it failed.

So, do not worry. Life is long and God is protecting us.

Oh, and I also learned that when given the opportunity to bungy from the the highest bungy in the world, do it. In fact, do it twice.