20¢

get it? 20¢ = paradigm? Anyway, there is a paradigm that I want to talk about today. Nicky brought it up and it just seemed right. The idea goes like this: Women in relationships are always looking for it to progress forward. It isn't so much a measure of how far or how quickly, but it must move forward. Settling in a comfortable place is just as bad as moving backwards. They constantly seek to make the relationship closer and closer always moving towards a position of increased intimacy. Men on the other hand are pretty okay with stagnation so long as it is comfortable. They tend to move forward until they feel good and then hang out.

Throw in the necessary caveats and throw out some of those absolute words and I feel that it's a pretty close approximation of a lot of relationship dynamics.

But there is a problem. What happens when you don't want to go forward yet? What if you're not ready and you need to hang out for a while? What if you need to feel comfortable in order to move forward? What if the other party is ready to move on before you are? What if you find yourself committed to something that you don't feel as strongly about as the other party? What if you perceive them to be more committed than they actually are? What if you are not able to commit more deeply? What if you've reached the pinnacle of commitment? What if you've pushed for commitment and the other party has acquiesced in order to placate the push rather than for the purpose of deeper relations?

For all of the above: Then you're going to start having trouble. The more important question is: What do you do about it?

Ultimately, one must choose to stay or go. Just like the song: "if [you] go there will be trouble, if [you] stay it will be double." Why double? Well, problems come back. They are not always the same, but there will be another struggle. Such is the nature of relationships.

On the way to deciding whether or not to stay or go, one has plenty of options that will lead to more problems and hurt feelings. There are actually very few ways to avoid additional problems or hurt feelings. However, your best bet is to talk it out.

Suggested lines of conversation:

• One's expectations in a relationship in general
• One's expectations in this relationship in particular
• One's own challenges in relationships in general
• One's own challenges in this relationship in particular
• One's own comfort level
• One's perception of the other's comfort level
• One's own commitment level
• One's perception of the other's commitment level

and so on.

The rub is that real life is not linear or simple. Life is absolutely non-linear and quite chaotic. What you want today is not the same as what you want tomorrow. One's feelings towards another fluctuate yearly, monthly, daily, hourly, and so on.

However, whatever you feel that never goes away or fluctuates is real and true. That is what you must hold onto and give to the other person so that they may also hold onto it. From that you can build. It is your foundation.

Now, let's spin this entire construct about that point. Let's say that we are all men and that life is the woman. The relationship is our job or our home or what have you. The relationship is your purpose in life.

Grab onto that which does not move as the world spins. Do not let go. Then, you will find happiness. (Results not typical. Your mileage may vary.)