Thank goodness

I think ahead to Thanksgiving and a family tradition of going around the table and saying something that we are thankful for since the previous Thanksgiving. Though I know that I have much more to be thankful for than nearly all of my previous Thanksgivings, I don't know where to start. I have gone through so much since November 29th, 2007. There have been the highest highs and the lowest lows. A year ago I was 2 weeks from popping the question, looking to move out West, preparing to finish my degree, and contemplating whether I should move up the FedEx ladder or start a new career. Now I'm single, still living in Champaign-Urbana, further from my degree than ever, and struggling against bureaucracy to get my old job at FedEx.

I don't say all of this to gather pity, because I've earned more than I've lost, I think. On the other hand, I'm not bragging about how much I've done and what I've experienced. I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to thank God for all of the good things when He was responsible for the bad things, too. I believe that He does it all. I feel like I need to thank Him for the bad things. Though, somehow it seems wrong to rejoice for my mother's breast cancer or Rebecca leaving me. But aren't all of these things connected? Don't they all go back to a loving God who does all of this according to His will that we should also aspire to? If I'm to live in accord with His will, then shouldn't all of it be divine? "This is the day that the Lord hath made/Let us rejoice and be glad in it/This is the day/This is the day/That the Lord hath made"

The poet John Berryman offers the perspective that comes closest to answering my question, though it doesn't satisfy me:

From Minnesota Thanksgiving

For that free Grace bringing us past great risks
& thro' great griefs surviving to this feast
sober & still, with children unborn and born,
among brave friends, Lord, we stand again in debt
and find ourselves in the glad position: Gratitude.

So, I guess I'll just have to say that this year I'm thankful that I survived. I'm thankful that my wings did neither burn nor weigh me down



yet.